Humans: Mysterious and Terrifying
by Reid Phantom
Summary: Allura cares deeply for her paladins. However, she cant help but find their species bizarre, disturbing, and sometimes downright horrifying the more she learns about them. Random oneshots and drabbles based around those "Aliens find humans weird or scary" theories from Tumblr because I have no self-restraint. Suggestions welcome. Latest Chapter: What Are Sleep-overs?
1. Humans Don't Have Mating Cycles

" _The average human can mate hundreds of times during its lifetime. Though breeding partners may occasionally scratch or bite one another, they go largely unharmed during the process. There seems to be no sensible pattern in their mating cycles. Some theorize they may not have one, although that's highly improbable. Still, the theory is upheld by the fact that many humans breed_ recreationally _, to the point where they have created devices and medications specifically designed to keep their carriers from becoming with child. As a result, humans are capable of carrying child once per Earth-Year (approximately 31.5 megaticks). Thankfully, the average seems to only be one child per cycle, though studies conclude they can carry up to three. There are rumors they can carry more, but those are largely agreed to be false."_

\- An excerpt from _A Guide to Humans_ by Driniv of Xebnec 9

* * *

"Why are we watching this again?" Hunk groaned as he watched Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis flirt on the makeshift television he and Pidge had set up for movie night.

"Team bonding," Shiro said, though he didn't look any more taken in by the movie than Hunk.

"Sh!" Lance hissed from where he was laying down in front of the screen.

"Keith's not even here." The red paladin had wisely taken one look at Pidge's choice and disappeared to who knows where. "And why do we have to watch a chick- er, I mean, a romcom?" Hunk asked, quickly switching tracks when Pidge turned to him with a glare. "Can't we watch something we'd all like, like… Star Wars!"

"That would be more appropriate," Shiro chuckled.

"Star Trek's better," Pidge muttered, earning a gasp from Hunk.

"Do you guys mind! I'm trying to watch a movie here!" Lance shouted, hitting pause and turning to the others.

"If we are taking a break to talk, may I ask a question?" Allura spoke up.

"Please do," Hunk answered before Lance could say anything.

"I understand that perhaps your _movie_ is just exaggerating things, but why is it taking so long?"

"Why is what taking so long?"

"Their mating cycle! They've had sex, as you call it, many times and yet neither of them have either fallen out of their mating cycle nor become with child."

"Yes, I've been wondering about that myself," Coran added. "Just how long does your human mating cycles last? Will they be getting their child soon?"

The humans stared at the Alteans in varying states of shock and confusion.

Pidge was the first to break the silence when she gave a loud snort. She buried her face into her hands, shoulders shaking from withheld laughter.

"Oh boy," Lance muttered, turning off the movie.

"Well, I'm out of here," Hunk said, jumping to his feet. He scooped up the shaking green paladin and fled the room.

"Wow," Shiro mumbled, the faintest tinge of pink on his cheeks. "Well, uh, to start off, they aren't trying to… to _become with child_."

"So _sex_ is not how you humans reproduce?" Allura asked, frowning. She had been sure that was the case. It even looked rather similar to how Alteans did it.

"N-no, it is, it's just…"

"They're just doing it to have fun, you know," Lance supplied.

"Fun?" both Alteans near shouted, looking floored.

"Well, yeah, sex feels awesome so most people-"

"Not all. There are some like Pidge and Keith who don't like sex for their different reasons."

"Yeah, but many just have sex for the way it feels. Since it, you know… feels… good…" Lance finished, tapering off at the end with a cherry-red face. Is this what his father had felt like when he gave him The Talk?

"And you do this, even outside your mating cycles?" Allura asked, looking mildly disturbed.

"That's the other thing. Humans don't actually have mating cycles. We're pretty much ready whenever. That's why we have to use protection so people don't end up pregnant - with child - accidentally."

The Alteans looked downright scandalized. Coran even seemed a bit disgusted.

"Hey, I just saw Hunk and Pidge. Is movie night over?" Keith asked, peaking in the door. "What was wrong with Pidge?" He spotted Allura and Coran and added, "What's wrong with them?"

"Humans don't have mating cycles and procreate for FUN!" Allura croaked.

The red paladin turned and left.

* * *

 **If you have any ideas for things about humans you want to see aliens freaking out over, be free to leave them in the comments.**


	2. Cosmetic Surgery and Orthodontics

_"It has been discovered that humans practice a collection of procedures that they refer to as_ Cosmetic Surgery _. The point of the procedures are to_ Enhance one's natural beauty _and they involve the humans cutting one another open to remove vital fats, rearrange their organs, or insert pieces of useless inorganic matter into themselves. It was at first believed the procedures were a barbaric means of attracting mates, but, while true, this is not the only reason. Some humans that are already mated will subject themselves to the treatment as a means of pleasing their partners or keeping said partners attentions from other would-be mates. Additionally, there have been noted cases of humans being involved in the procedures for no other discernible reason besides vanity._

 _On a similar note is the practice of_ Orthodontics _. Thankfully, while still being completely barbaric and involved in vanity, this practice is, at least, mostly based in their medical fields. As if they didn't have enough already, it would seem some humans are born with even more teeth than the average. As a result, they have constructed a practice around forcibly removing the extra teeth then welding pieces of metal to the remaining ones and fitting a tightened wire through them so as to realign their jawbones into the proper shape. The procedure is referred to as_ wearing orthodontic brackets _or, more commonly,_ wearing braces _. For more on the practice of_ Orthodontics _, skip ahead to the section Medical Fields, subsection Teeth."_

\- An excerpt from _A Guide to Humans_ by Driniv of Xebnec 9

* * *

"Oh man, look at her, she's so adorkable!"

"I don't think I could ever get used to seeing her with long hair! Do you think she'll grow it out again now that we all know she's a girl?"

Allura frowned as she came into the common area to see Lance and Hunk huddled together, whispering. "What are you two doing?"

The two jumped and looked up at her.

"Oh, thank god," Lance sighed. "I thought you were Pidge."

"Pidge?"

"We, uh, kind of borrowed her digital photo album," Hunk explained. "Without asking."

"We wanted to see what a baby Pidge looks like. Turns out, she's precious! Look!"

Lance held out the album and Allura walked over. She smiled as she caught sight of a younger looking green paladin. She had to admit, the girl looked cute with her hair long like that. There was something off about her smile though. "What's that in her mouth?"

"Huh?" Hunk asked, leaning over to look. "Oh, Pidge had braces."

"Braces?"

"Yep, here, I think there's a better picture." Lance pulled the album back and flipped through the pictures. "Here we go," he said, turning it towards the princess. The new picture gave a closer view of the girl's face, showing off the bits of metal and wire attached to her teeth.

"What is that, some sort of torture device?"

"Yes," Hunk grumbled.

"Daw, Hunk, did you have braces too?" Lance teased.

"My word! Someone tortured Pidge? And you as well Hunk? Why?"

"No no no," Lance laughed. "Hunk's just being dramatic. Braces aren't actually torture devices."

"Speak for yourself."

Lance chuckled then explained, "See, braces are apart of dental health. They help fix some humans' teeth."

"Fix your teeth? How?"

"Different ways for different people, really. Just depending on why you're getting them. In my case, I had too many teeth, so the doctors had to go in and pull some, then I got my braces and this pallet expander thing and head gear. It was a total nightmare."

"And your people do this… to children?"

"Adults too. It's better if you get it done as a child though. Easier too."

"Does it hurt?"

"Well, yeah, I guess. I mean, they did have to pull some teeth and the braces scratch at the inside of your lips and cheeks and the braces are basically moving around your jaw so that can hurt and-"

"Hunk, buddy," Lance cut him off.

The yellow paladin looked up and saw the horrified expression Allura was giving him. "Oh, I mean, it's not that bad. Like, at least it's for a good cause. It's not like… like… like cosmetic surgery or anything."

"Cosmetic surgery?" Allura squeaked.

"It's this thing girls do. Well, guys do it too, I guess, but it's mostly girls. They go in to see these doctors and the doctors shave off bits of their nose to make it smaller or cut out some of the fat in their stomach to make them skinnier or shove stuff in their breasts to make those bigger. Stuff like that to make them prettier. Not everyone can have my natural good looks after all." Lance finished it off with a wink.

"Natural good looks? Is it Opposite Day?" Pidge asked as she shuffled in. The green paladin froze as she recognized the device in Lance's hands. "Is that my photo album?"

The blue paladin looked down at the device before slowly pushing it into Allura's hands. Like a flash, he and Hunk were jumping over the back of the couch and running out of the room.

"I'm going to kill you!" Pidge shouted, taking chase.

Allura looked down at the photo and shivered when she caught sight of metal on teeth. She set the photo album down and left the room.

However, she returned almost immediately. She was going to need proof if she wanted Coran to believe this.

She supposed she should be glad her paladins came from such a hardened race where they saw things like "braces" and "cosmetic surgery" as ordinary.

* * *

 **If you don't think braces are a form of torture, you've never worn braces.** **If you have any ideas for things about humans you want to see aliens freaking out over, be free to leave them in the comments.**


	3. Humans are OMNIVORES!

_"To our horror, it was discovered that humans are, in fact, omnivores! While there are a noted collection of enlightened humans who refuse to participate in such practices, the species as a majority frequently devours the flesh of their fellow Earthlings, to the point where they keep large herds of_ livestock _to_ butcher _for meat. Thankfully, while it is present in some human cultures, for the most part humans see the consumption of their own species as taboo._

 _"The fact that the Galra are the only other sentient species to practice omnivorism does bring about some interesting, if terrifying, theories. More research is necessary."_

\- An excerpt from _A Guide to Humans_ by Driniv of Xebnec 9

* * *

"So how long is this going to take? We're kind of just sitting ducks out here," Keith pointed out from his spot lying on a high rock.

"He's got a point," Pidge agreed, looking up from her computer. "Allura?"

"Coran said the radiation storm should only last an hour."

"He also said it would take the Galra days to get to Arus and we only had a few hours," Hunk pointed out.

"Which is why he ran a scan just to be sure," Shiro said as he walked up to the four's makeshift campsite. "Apparently we're actually going to be landlocked for around two more hours."

The red and green paladins groaned.

Hunk just laughed. "Well, as long as we're on a planet, maybe I can whip us up something fresh and not goo-based."

Keith shot up into a sitting position. "Wait, since we are stuck here, do you think I could go out and hunt down some actual food for once?"

"Yeah," Pidge quickly agreed, snapping her laptop shut. "Veggies are nice and all, but I would kill for some fried chicken right about now!"

"Or BBQ!" Keith added.

"A hamburger!"

"Jerky!"

"Tacos," Hunk said, joining in.

"Meat lovers pizza!" Pidge sighed.

"Honestly," Shiro laughed, "I'd take anything at this point, even Garrison meatloaf. Kerberos was the last time I had a complete meal."

"Allura! You said those Micheals guys told you about this planet, right? Did they say anything about having some alien version of a chicken?" Pidge said, turning to the lost Altean.

"Mikeallez, and yes, they did inform me about the minor changes the planet's ecosystem has undergone since the last time I was here with my father. However, I am unsure if they have a _chicken_ here. What is a chicken?"

"Oh, uh, here." Pidge dug through her bag and pulled out her digital photo album. She quickly flicked through until she found the folder with the pictures of her and her brother's trip to their cousins' farm. She pulled up a picture of her brother holding a chicken and passed the device to Allura. "That's a chicken."

Allura frowned. "That is a very odd looking plant."

"It… It's not a plant," Keith said, his lips ticking up into a smile. "It's an animal."

"Oh! That makes far more sense. So the chicken produces some sort of edible matter then?"

"No- Well, I mean their eggs are edible, but we were hoping to eat the chicken," Hunk stated.

The photo album clattered to the floor.

Pidge yelped and scrambled for the device, checking it over for damage as she shouted, "Careful!"

"Allura?" Shiro asked the princess, who was currently staring at her paladins as if they had said they were going to stab her.

"Y-you want to _eat_ the _animal_! And it's _eggs_!"

"Yes," Hunk said slowly, glancing at the others to be sure he wasn't the only one confused.

"Oh!" Pidge said, gaining everyone's attention. "Of course, Alteans must be herbivores! That's why you guys only have vegetables on the castleship."

"Seriously, you guys are herbivores?" Keith asked Allura and the paladins all turned to her.

"Of-of course we're herbivores! All sentient life in the universe are herbivores! All except-" Allura cut herself off. She grew pale and her hand came up to cover her mouth. "Humans are not herbivores?"

"No, we're omnivores-"

"Granivores, technically, but yes, humans are fully capable of eating both meat and plant matter," Pidge butted in.

Keith stared down at Allura as she looked ready to be sick. "Is it really that big a deal? I mean, eating meat can't really be an earth thing."

"N-no, there are plenty of _animals_ out there that are carnivorous or omnivorous, but sentient life?"

"The Balmerans ate cave bugs," Hunk pointed out.

"Balmeran Cave Bugs are a species of carnivorous plant."

"Oh."

"The-the only sentient species I know of that eats meat is -" Allura shivered, "- is the Galra."

The paladins froze.

Allura shivered again and wrapped her arms around herself. "Well, I suppose it could be worse. At least your species does not eat one another."

Shiro cleared his throat and his hand came up to scratch the back of his neck. "Yeah, cannibalism is definitely bad… But…" He looked over at his fellow paladins, who were purposefully looking at anything but one another.

Allura's eyes widened and she stood up. "I need to lay down.

The paladins watched the princess return to the castle in silence.

"Well, we just scarred Allura. All in favor of letting Lance explain this one to Coran?"

* * *

 **Massive props to pix-n-shift on AO3! They practically wrote this one for me!**

 **What does that say about me that as soon as I got the comment, I immediately dropped what I was working on to write this?**

 **If you have any ideas for things about humans you want to see aliens freaking out over, be free to leave them in the comments.**


	4. Tattoos and Piercings

**A note for those who left comments saying I should include characters: Because of the nature of this, the characters fluctuate between chapters. Honestly, Pidge is the only character that's been in every chapter so far and this one and the last are the only ones where she had a significant part. Since FF only allows for four characters, it's just too difficult to figure out who should be listed so I've decided to just leave that blank.**

* * *

 _Another display of the humans barbarity when it comes to vanity is their love of piercing their own flesh to thread pieces of jewelry through the holes. Apparently the human's speed of healing allows for the process to be mostly non harmful, though there has been a wide variety of pain levels recorded. This even seems to be a right of passage for young human females as many have been seen getting their ears pierced at as young an age as a third of one Earth-Year (approximately 10.7 megaticks). The head, especially the ears, seems to be the most popular place for the piercings though there have been recorded accounts for just about anywhere else on the human body, including sexual organs. Additionally, they have specially designed piercings created for the purpose of expanding the artificial holes in their body to extreme and sometimes permanent (even for their healing strength) levels._

 _The humans also have been seen jabbing their flesh with miniscule needles for the purpose of injecting substances into their skin to create artificial markings._ Tattooing _, as the practice is called, can have many different forms and meanings depending on the culture the one receiving the tattoo belongs to. The process is recorded as being extremely painful at first, though humans strangely seem to develop a tolerance for it the more times they undergo the process and some humans have been seen having their entire bodies covered. For more on the cultural aspects of_ Tattooing _, skip ahead to the section Cultures, subsection Body Adjustments._

\- An excerpt from _A Guide to Humans_ by Driniv of Xebnec 9

* * *

"Excuse me?"

Pidge looked up to see a short, thin alien in a dress that slightly resembled a roman gown standing next to her, four of their arms on their hips and the other five held up in a Xervian greeting.

"Oh, hello," Pidge said, doing her best to return the greeting with only two arms.

He - Pidge was pretty sure Allura said the small ones were male - laughed and reached forward to adjust her hands. Yep, male. _Males are small and have no sense of personal boundaries while females will not make any physical contact with anyone no matter what._

"You be Green Paladin, yes warrior?" he asked in a high voice.

"Yeah, you can call me Pidge."

"Pleasure, great pleasure. I be-" He let out a series of clicks and screeches Pidge had no chance of recreating. "Though believe in your speak translate to Water-Flier."

"It's nice to meet you."

"We thank Voltron much for help against Galra."

"It's no problem really, just doing our job."

"Pi-duh-geh enjoy celebration?"

Pidge glanced around at the party occurring in the room they were standing at the edge of before shrugging. "It's great, really. Parties just aren't my thing."

Water-Flier nodded seriously. "I understand. You be warrior. More important things do than stand with lots. I same. I be fixer. Rather be fix. Mate be talker though." One of his hands pointed towards a tall, bulky Xervian wearing the exoskeleton dressings of the Xervian diplomats. "I come to celebration to support. You come to support Princess, yes?"

"Basically."

"Hm. Paladins dress nice," Water-Flier complimented, grabbing a loose piece of Pidge's skirt in four of his hands. "Soft, beautiful. You all like Princess."

Pidge blushed and rubbed her arm. "Yeah, the dress is actually Princess Allura's. She let me borrow it for the party. I don't really have anything to wear for something like this."

Water-Flier nodded and let go of her dress, instead reaching up to grab her face. "I like shiny danglers greatly. How make stay on?"

"Shiny- Oh, my earrings? It's not that hard, see?" Pidge pulled out his grip and twisted her ear so he could see the back. "It just sticks through my ear."

The Xervian gasped and his eyes went pale. "You cut holes through flesh to stick shiny through! Not see on other Paladins! Pi-duh-geh must be powerful warrior indeed! Must tell mate!"

"Uh," Pidge said as she watched Water-Flier dart off.

"Gees Pidge, what'd you do to him?" Keith asked as he, Shiro, and Coran walked up.

"I just showed him my earrings and he was surprised the thing went _through_ my ear."

Keith glanced over at Coran with a worried look. "This isn't going to be another omnivore incident, is it?"

Coran shivered at the reminder. "N-no, this kind of thing isn't uncommon, in more primitive species at least. Though I can't say I know of any species that pierce their flesh. Usually it's through areas without feeling, such as the Balmerans' horns or vine-like hairs of the Vyx. Even the Xervian's used to do it to their exoskeletons, though they seem to have dropped that practice over the last ten thousand years. Do humans have feeling in their ears?"

"Not much, but ears aren't the only place we pierce. They're just the most popular," Shiro explained.

"Really?"

"Yeah, you should see where Shiro's pierced," Keith said. He quickly received a smack to the back of the head. "What?"

"Maybe they should see your tattoo," Shiro huffed and Keith's face soon joined his own in being red.

"Keith has a tattoo!"

"What is a tattoo?"

"Show them," Shiro chuckled, nudging Keith's shoulder.

The fifteen-year-old glared first at Shiro, then Pidge. "Lance doesn't hear a word about this."

"Sure, sure," Pidge agreed, nodding. She pulled a tablet out of her pocket (Pidge _loved_ Altean dresses!) and added, "As long as I get a pic."

Keith growled, but pulled up the jacket and shirt of the Altean suit he had borrowed to show the red tattoo climbing up his side.

Pidge quickly snapped a picture as Coran leaned in. He said, "I didn't know humans had markings."

"We don't, well, we do have birthmarks, but they're usually not this noticeable. A tattoo is more like… a painting people have done on their skin," Shiro said, trying to find a gentle way of describing it.

His efforts were for not though as Pidge added, "Yeah, except it's done using a machine that stabs you at high speeds with a bunch of tiny needles that inject the _paint_ into your skin."

Shiro sighed as Coran grew pale and excused himself. "I'm starting to realize why everyone seemed so afraid of me in the gladiator arena."

"Yup, aliens find us terrifying. We eat meat and stab ourselves for fun. Are these cat paw prints?" Pidge asked, poking Keith's side.

The red paladin jumped at the contact and quickly pulled away from her, shoving his clothes back down. "They were supposed to be bloody wolf prints," he explained quickly, hoping to distract her from whatever thoughts had sprung up at his reaction to cause the evil grin she was giving him.

"That's what you get for getting an illegal tattoo at thirteen," Shiro stated with - as Lance called it - his Dad Face.

"You say that like I had some guy do it in his garage. I went to a parlor!"

"You used a fake ID."

"I shouldn't have needed one. You were there and you were twenty-three."

"You went with him to get his illegal tattoo?" Pidge asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I wanted to make sure he wasn't going someplace dangerous. And it doesn't matter if I was there, I wasn't giving you permission. I'm not your dad."

"You might as well be," Keith muttered. A second later both males were blushing with wide eyes as they realized what he'd said.

Pidge snickered and held up her tablet, hitting the photo button. She then took off to track down Lance and Hunk to show them her two new pictures.

* * *

 **If you have any ideas for things about humans you want to see aliens freaking out over, feel free to leave them in the comments.**


	5. Humans Eat Capsaicin For Breakfast!

_Along the same lines, humans will also devour plants rich in capsaicin. These plants are often grown by the humans for the specific use of consumption, despite the fact that the humans possess a only slightly higher tolerance to the poison than the usual in their classification. They even seem to_ enjoy _the burning sensation. They have entire dishes designed around the sensation, especially in places such as the region of_ Latin America _. This fact, along with the others listed earlier, are among a vast variety of examples for the theory that humans as a species are inherently self-destructive. For more on the theory, skip ahead to the section Behavior, subsection Self-Destructive Tendencies._

\- An excerpt from _A Guide to Humans_ by Driniv of Xebnec 9

* * *

"Let us out of here you stupid purple cat aliens! You overgrown grape chinchillas! You-"

"Would you shut up already? Annoying the guards to death isn't going to help anything," Keith groaned. He almost wished the Galra had split them up. Sure, it made it easier for the others to rescue them both once everything was finished, but Lance hadn't stopped talking. Why had he agreed to go along with this plan?

"Finally," Lance snapped as a pair of guards came in.

"Lance, shut up."

"Oh trust me, paladin, you're going to wish you never saw us when we're done with you," the guard pushing in a floating tray chuckled. His partner opened the container on the tray to reveal a green-brown mixture that… smelled oddly familiar.

Keith scented the air, but couldn't place the smell. He looked over at Lance to see the sixteen-year-old doing the same.

The blue paladin mouthed, "Is that?" before shaking his head and glaring at the Galra.

The one who had pushed the tray in sucked up some of the mixture with what seemed to be a mutated cross between a syringe and a turkey baster. "Who's first?"

"Give it to the annoying one," his partner chuckled.

The two turned on Lance, who continued to glare back. "Don't even try it you-"

The Galra shot forward, grabbing Lance's jaw to keep his mouth open and shoving the device in. He pulled away once the device was empty.

Lance was frozen, staring at nothing with wide eyes as he slowly swallowed. Nobody moved for a few moments before one of the Galra laughed.

"I think we gave him a bit too much!"

"I didn't think the paladins would be _this_ fragile. Ah well, at least we have an extra."

The Galra with the device returned to the tray and sucked up a significantly smaller amount.

"What did you do to him?" Keith hissed, eyeing his fellow paladin. He'd never seen Lance so still.

The other Galra came up to him with a smirk. "Tell us what we want to know and you won't have to find out."

"Kiss a Kwila!" Keith growled, kicking him in the gut.

"Why you little-"

"Focus, Bys." The Galra with the device walked closer and Keith aimed a kick at him too. "Hold him down!"

The other Galra, Bys, grabbed Keith's legs and pinned them against the wall. The galra with the device then forced Keith's mouth open and practically stabbed his tongue with the device when he shoved it in. The mixture spilled out into his mouth and Keith froze. He let it sit on his tongue for a second before swallowing.

"Is that… chili?"

The Galra stared at him in confusion and a small noise came from behind them. Keith looked around to see Lance biting his lip in an attempt not to laugh.

When their eyes met, the blue paladin's will broke.

"Oh my God!" Lance shouted, his voice gaining that special tick that meant he'd switched into Spanish. "Keith, shut up!"

"Quiznak, Lance! I thought they'd actually done something to you."

"Aw, were you worried about me?"

 _For the love of-_ "Only that I'd have to be the one to drag your comatose body around. Why the hell were you acting like that?"

"I was hoping they'd give us more! And here Shiro said Galra food sucked."

"It wasn't that good."

"Quiznak, no, it's nothing like my mom's and it's barely even spicy, but it _is_ better than Coran's food goo."

"True."

"Hey, Galra-dude," Lance said and Keith's attention shifted back to their captors. The two Galra were staring at them with lost looks. "Where'd you find the spicy stuff? Hunk and I have been searching everywhere for something spicy."

"Spicy?" Bys asked.

"Spicy! You know, hot? The stuff that that makes your mouth feel like it's on fire."

"You mean the capsaicin?"

"Capsaicin?" Keith asked.

"It's the stuff that makes chili peppers hot. Yeah, the capsaicin, where'd you get it?"

"Why do you want to know? What use would you have for it, paladin?" the other Galra spoke up, clearly trying to regain control of the situation.

"For food, duh!"

Both Galra looked stricken. "I-I'd heard Champion once ate capsaicin-laced food without breaking a sweat, but I thought those were just rumors," Bys muttered. "You actually _want_ to eat the capsaicin?"

The humans stared at the Glara in confusion.

"Yeah, why not?" Keith asked.

"Spicy food's awesome. I love the way my mouth burns," Lance added.

The two Galra gave them terrified looks and fled.

Later on, Keith and Lance found themselves in the common room of the Castle of Lions with Hunk, relaxing in the afterglow of a mission well done.

Lance had just finished explaining what had happened during the boy's captivity when Hunk burst out laughing.

"You guys do realize capsaicin is a type of poison, right?"

* * *

 **If you have any ideas for things about humans you want to see aliens freaking out over, be free to leave them in the comments.**


	6. Humans Earthlings Need Oxygen?

**Spoilers for Season 2.**

 **For reference, the first five chapters happen between the comics and chapter 10 while this takes place after season 2 (and Shiro's rescue. Stop saying he's dead! My precious six-year-old is just taking a nap!)**

* * *

 _An astounding fact about not just humans, but all the animals of Earth is that they can not only survive in an oxygen rich environment, but require it. As far fetched as it sounds, the waste gas is a necessity for their biological functions._

 _Because of this, Piamond of Facet 5 once launched an experiment to see if Earthlings could realistically function as biofilters, though the experiment was deemed a failure. While the subjects had done more than satisfactory at their job, maintaining a healthy environment proved difficult. Leaving the subjects in open air was too dangerous as it required oxygen levels to become too high for less hardy species. However, sealing them in a contained area where the oxygen could be directed to for filtering resulted in either the Earthlings becoming overwhelmed by the gas or receiving too little. Too much oxygen led to the Earthlings displaying symptoms of vertigo and nausea before succumbing to seizures, along with causing damage to the lungs and eyes. Too little resulted in disorientation, coughing fits, and fainting spells. Extended periods of either, of course, ended in death. None of the tests included human subjects, but it is assumed they would suffer the same fate given their biology._

\- An excerpt from _A Guide to Humans_ by Driniv of Xebnec 9

* * *

"So… how Galra do you think he is?" Hunk asked as he watched Keith through the window of the training room's viewing area.

"I don't know. He drank poison with me-"

"You were just force fed chili," Pidge cut in. "Stop trying to make it sound cooler than it was."

Lance glared at her and continued, "He drank poison with me and he's got his ears pierced and his," Lance snickered, "tattoo. So he's got to be some human, right? Mostly human?"

"I don't know. It could just be that the traits that allow for that are dominant. Like, survival of the fittest. Or it could be a result of growing up in a harsher environment than the Galra are used to," Pidge pointed out.

"I still can't believe Earth is classified as a _harsh environment_ after everything we've seen out here," Lance muttered while Hunk said, "So Keith's like the Australian of the Galras."

"What does that even mean?" Pidge asked.

"Ah, there you are!"

The trio looked up to see Coran marching in.

"Hey, Coran. You need something?"

"Yes, Pidge, I was hoping you'd offer your assistance. You see, there seems to be a problem with the air filtration system that I can't figure out."

"Wait, you mean the air filtration system that makes it so we are able to _breathe_! There's something wrong with _that!?_ " Lance exclaimed.

"Yes-"

"What the quiznak! How long has that been going on? How long do we have?"

"Well, I first noticed it during a diagnostic scan just before we left Arus."

"There's been a problem with the air quality for that long and you're just now bringing it up?" Hunk questioned. "Am I the only one who thinks that should have been a priority."

"Well, it hasn't really been a problem yet."

"Yet. What exactly is wrong with it?" Pidge asked.

"The system has completely shut down one of the filters and the controls aren't allowing me access in order to unlock it. As I said, there's no need to worry yet. I've been monitoring the air quality and so far the oxygen content hasn't reached dangerous levels. As far as I can tell, something has been managing to keep it down though I haven't discovered what yet."

"Wait, what do you mean keep the oxygen content down?" Hunk questioned.

"That's what that filter is for, to clear the air of oxygen."

"Let me get this straight. You want to _get rid_ of the oxygen."

"Of course, Lance. We don't want that waste in the air."

The trio looked at each other. Pidge reached over and hit the intercom. "Shiro, we need you in the training room."

"What-"

Coran cut off when Hunk held up a finger. In the meantime, Pidge opened up the holoscreen on her gauntlet.

A few moments passed then Keith came in, his bayard and jacket in his hands. "What's going on?"

"Is everything alright?" Shiro asked, coming in behind him with Allura.

"Coran just came in to ask me to help him turn on the filter that _gets rid of all the oxygen in the air_."

"Oh, something is wrong with the air filtration? Coran, why didn't you tell me?" Allura asked, while Keith sent the Alteans a disbelieving look and Shiro buried his face in his hand.

"Yes, but don't you worry about it. I've been keeping an eye on everything. I only asked Pidge now because we've got some down time."

"What's wrong with it?"

"The lions locked it down," Pidge interrupted, looking up from the holoscreen.

"The lions? Why would they do that?" Allura asked.

"Well, Black, Green, Blue, and Yellow, at least. And I'm guessing it's to keep Coran from killing us."

"Killing you?" Coran questioned.

"Humans need oxygen to survive," Shiro explained, not looking up.

"Alright, I know you've said a lot of odd things about humans, but surviving off _oxygen_? You can't be serious?" Allura huffed, glaring at the humans and hybrid.

"All animals on Earth need oxygen," Lance pointed out.

"Well, there are a couple of creatures in the Mediterranean Sea that don't, but that's the minority by a wide margin," Hunk added.

"Oxygen is a waste gas!"

"Don't know what to tell you," Lance said, shrugging.

"Earth is insane," Allura sighed.

"Yup. Question though: how come Red didn't stop Coran?" Pidge raised an eyebrow at Keith.

"Maybe she didn't see the need since all the others were blocking him," he said.

"Ms. _Chases Keith halfway across a galaxy and trashes the Marmorite's base_ didn't see the need to be sure Coran didn't accidentally kill you?" Lance scoffed.

"He's got a point," Hunk agreed. His eyes widened and he turned to Pidge and Lance. "Oh! Less human!"

"Definitely fits in the survival of the fittest category."

"I still say he's mostly human. This is like the only thing about him besides the sword."

"What are you three talking about?"

"I'm guessing like, 50-50?"

"Probably closer to 25%, maybe 12.5%."

"You've got it backwards."

"What are they talking about?"

"No idea."

* * *

 **I've been hesitant so far to include anything about Keith showing alien tendencies, but flip that! Galra Keith is canon baby! Also, there's a reference in the excerpt because HUMAN ZOO!**


	7. Humans Can Only Use One Hand?

_Another odd trait many Earthlings, humans included, display is a preference for one side of their body over the other. The most obvious display of this is what humans refer to as being left-handed or_ right-handed _. For reasons still under investigation, most humans are more competent with their right forelimb than their left, with few being the reverse and even fewer being capable with either hand, locally know as being_ Ambidextrous _. There are even some who can only do certain tasks with one hand and the rest with the other, a condition known as_ cross-dominance _or being_ mixed-handed _. It is not yet known why humans show such a widespread disability, though they do seem to be able to grow out of it when forced._

\- An excerpt from _A Guide to Humans_ by Driniv of Xebnec 9

* * *

"Why can't I just hop into the cryo-replenishers?" Lance whined, picking at the bandages wrapped around his hand. "I just pop in and zip-zap, I'm fine."

"Zip-zap?" Keith asked as the Garrison trio walked into the command center. "What are you talking about?"

"Lance hurt his hand helping Hunk with some repairs and now he's being a baby about it," Pidge explained.

"Is the Blue Paladin alright?" Kolivan asked, turning away from the map he had been looking over alongside Allura, Coran, and Shiro.

"'Tis but a scratch," Hunk announced.

"Just a flesh wound," Pidge agreed, nudging Keith, who gave her a bemused look. Pidge's eyes widened and she gasped, "You've never seen Monty Python!"

"The horror!" Hunk grasped his chest and leaned against Lance.

"We should have known you were an alien," Lance sniffed, glaring at the Red Paladin, who just rolled his eyes.

Allura and Kolivan were watching the teens' dramatics, puzzled, so Shiro said, "Ignore them. Lance's fine."

"Fine? Look at this!" the cuban huffed, waving his hand about. "It's useless! What happens if we get attacked? How am I supposed to pilot Blue?"

"As it happens, the lions are capable of being piloted with a single limb if necessary. You might not be as smooth as usual, but you'll be fine," Coran said.

"Well… What if I have to get out and fight? I can't shoot like this!"

"Come now, Lance, you're blaster isn't that big. Surely you'll be fine one-handed," Allura chided.

"Yeah, but my right hand's the one that's bandaged up!"

"So?"

"So that's my shooting hand. I can't shoot with the other one."

"You were only taught how to shoot with one hand?" Kolivan questioned. "Who trained you like that?" The Glara looked over at Allura and the other paladins.

Allura shook her head and Keith shrugged. "Don't look at me. I always train with both hands."

"We all can't be ambidextrous Keith," Shiro snorted, knocking their shoulders together.

"Actually, I trained myself to be ambidextrous," Hunk said. "It helps when I'm working on stuff. Besides I was already left-handed."

"I tried that once but I kept forgetting," Pidge said, shrugging.

"What's ambidextrous?" Coran asked.

"It's when you're able to use either hand equally well. Like, both your hands are the same strength," Hunk explained.

"Don't question it," Allura muttered, though Kolivan didn't seem to hear.

"Why would one of your hands be weaker than the other?"

"That's… just the way it is. You're either better with the left hand or the right," Lance said.

"Or you can use both like Keith and you get to rub it in everybody's faces."

Keith pushed Shiro back. "I never rubbed it in your face."

"Wait, so your people need special training just so you can use both hands?"

"Humans are weird," Allura said, with Pidge and Hunk mimicking her in the background.

"You get used to it," Pidge said.

"I wouldn't say that," Allura sighed.

"So Ambidextrous is, like, the default in space?" Lance asked.

"Of course. How have your people survived this long with such a species-wide disability?"

"If you think that's crazy-"

"Nope," Shiro said, grabbing Lance's shoulders and pushing him towards the door. "That's enough for today."

"But Shiro-"

"No, Pidge. I said that's enough. We want to keep the Blade as allies, remember." Her grabbed her arm as he passed.

Hunk chuckled and followed the other paladins out. "One word, tattoos."

"Hunk!"

Allura sighed and rubbed her forehead as Kolivan watched the four disappear through the door. "Uh-"

"Don't ask," she said.

"Humans are extraordinary creatures," Coran said.

"That's one way of putting it," Keith chuckled. "Another is crazy."

Allura had to agree.

* * *

 **If you have any ideas for things about humans you want to see aliens freaking out over, be free to leave them in the comments.**

 **Just a note: I've been going through the reviews and keeping track of who's requested what so next chapter I should be giving credit (no one actually requested this one as far as I'm aware, I just found it on a Tumblr post by atalana). I haven't been replying to most of the reviews though lately since most really didn't need replies and there were a ton to go through since I let them pile up. Sorry. I would like to make note of a few that I've been getting a lot of requests for that I have no plans to write on. If you don't care about reasons, you can just skip to the end for the TLDR.**

 **First is pets. As of season 2 we have seen two different pet-like relationships on the show with both prey animals - the mice - and what I interpreted as a predatory animal given its (her?) behavior - Laika the yupper. I was on the fence about this idea before, but season 2 really confirmed it for me. The thing is, having pets is really just a form of symbiosis, no different from cleaner fish or those tarantulas that have "pet frogs" or clownfish and anemones. Etcetera. Obviously symbiosis isn't an Earth only thing so the idea that other sapient species have pets as well is hardly far fetched.**

 **Another one I've had requested, an extraordinary amount of times, is periods or the like. I think earlier I did say I was considering this, but I have no idea why. To be clear, I am not female. THAT is something I really don't prefer to think about if I don't have to, for personal reasons. So as of now, I will not be writing about such.**

 **Lastly, I will not be writing about LGBT+ themes. Honestly, with how often I hear about "Thoran" or "Corandwich" or "Dads of Marmora", why on earth are any of you asking me to write about aliens not understanding LGBT+ themes?**

 **TLDR: I won't be doing LGBT+ themes, periods, or pets. Sorry to any of you who requested these.**


	8. What Are Sleep-overs?

_For reasons that continue to elude scientists, humans occasionally abandon their homes for a sleep cycle or two. This has especially been noted in young humans, but older ones have been known to do so as well. While a few theories have developed to explain the abandonment, none have been proven. Nothing has ever been discovered to be wrong with the homes and in fact there are usually humans that are left within the homes. Most often the humans do not travel far, sometimes only going within walking distance of their homes._

 _One theory stated that it was some sort of mating - or courting in the case of the children - ritual, as the humans take refuge inside the homes of friends and often sleep in the same room as said friend. However, it's been proven incorrect for the majority of the gatherings, though there were a few exceptions._

 _At this time, the most prominent - though heavily debated - theory is that it is a sort of social bonding exercise. Some believe it is a sign of trust from the invading party to the home's owner as they give up the safety and security of their own home to lie defenseless on the floor of the other's. Others believe it might be a show of strength on the invader's part for the same reason alongside the fact that those that fall asleep first occasionally find themselves the victims of vandalization or other mostly harmless attacks._

 _As it stands,_ Sleep-overs _have been classified a great mystery of humankind._

\- An excerpt from _A Guide to Humans_ by Driniv of Xebnec 9

* * *

Allura yawned as she shuffled into the paladin's wing of the castle. She wanted to get to bed, but before she could, she needed to check that Hunk had finished up the work he'd been doing in the engine compartment.

When she reached the Yellow Paladin's door, she yawned again and pressed the access panel. To her surprise, the door slid open instead of sending a chime into the room to announce her presence. "Hunk?" she called, peeking into his room to see that it was empty.

That was odd. Was he still working?

The princess went a few rooms over, assuming that Pidge would would know where Hunk was, only to find the girl's room empty as well. She checked Lance's room, then Keith's next to it, but both proved just as paladin-less.

Finally she went to the end of the hall, half-expecting Shiro's room to be lacking as well. However, when the door opened, it was to the sight of all five paladins draped across the floor of the room amongst a mountain of blankets and pillows.

Brandishing a pillow, Pidge was sitting atop Lance's back in a shirt that had to be Shiro's, judging by the size, and a pair of sleeping shorts. Beneath her, Lance was wearing his usual sleeping clothes minus the robe and trying to knock her off with his own pillow. Hunk was off to the side, also in sleeping clothes with a bowl of edible seeds that he'd picked up from the last planet they'd been on. Shiro was wearing only a pair of sleeping pants and was leaning against his bed, watching the two roughhousing while combing his fingers through the hair of the sleeping half-galra on his lap. Keith was still in his usual clothes - though his boots were tossed off to the side - and curled up with his head tucked under Shiro's chin.

"Get off me you gremlin!" Lance shouted before getting smacked in the face.

"Make me, Tailor!"

"What are you all doing?" Allura asked.

The paladins, aside from Keith, all looked up.

"Oh, hey Allura," Hunk said. "Did you need something?"

"I… was coming to see if you had finished with the engines."

"Oh, yeah, everything's set."

"Right. What are you all doing in here?"

"We're having a sleepover," Lance said, suddenly lifting up on his hands and knees. As a result, Pidge fell off him with a yelp. "Ha! Victory!"

Pidge glared at him and he quickly scrambled away from her as she threw her pillow at him.

"Sleep… over?"

"You know, when you and your friends all sleep in the same room. Oh! We were going to invite you, but it was kind of a last minute thing-"

"My idea!" Lance cut in.

"- and we thought you and Coran had already went to bed," Hunk finished.

"Oh! Humans are a nesting species! You should have told us, we would have given you a proper room."

"Nesting species?" Shiro asked.

"Galra families and housemates all sleep in the same room. Children will sleep in the same bed as their parents until mid-adolescence. Galra don't sleep well separated from others."

The group turned to see a half-awake Keith peeking out at them. Shiro smiled and ruffled his hair. "Well, that certainly explains some things."

Keith huffed and smacked his arm.

"What things?" Pidge asked.

"Keith-"

"No," Keith groaned.

"- wouldn't sleep on his own until he was almost eleven, not without putting up a good fight. He used to try and sneak into my room all the time."

"That's adorable!" Lance laughed.

"Hate you."

Allura watched the interaction with mounting confusion. "So humans are _not_ a nesting species?"

"No. Humans really only share beds when their, um, mates and children are normally discouraged from sleeping with their parents at a young age. Keith's just… stubborn."

"F-ou."

"And sharing bedrooms is normally only done if there's a lack of space."

"Then what's all this?"

The humans all frowned and shared a look. Eventually, Pidge shrugged. "It's kind of like… I don't _want_ to share a room with these idiots every night, but sometimes we just… want to hang out until we physically can't stay awake anymore so we pile in one room and pass out there. I guess. I don't know, I've never had to explain a sleepover before," the girl growled, tossing her arms in the air.

The other humans all nodded.

"I see." She really didn't, but she'd learned it was best to just go with it. Honestly, this semi-nesting behavior, for lack of a better term, is far from the oddest thing about the paladins.

"So wanna join?"

"No, thank you." Sharing her room with the mice was one thing - they were mentally connected - sharing her room with a sentient lifeform that was not her romantic partner, let alone five, would be far too uncomfortable for her to fall asleep. "Goodnight."

"Night!"

As the princess left to return to her own room, Hunk turned to the Red Paladin. "So Galra Keith, you must love sleepovers then?"

…

"I think he fell back asleep," Shiro chuckled.

"I guess that answers your question," Pidge chuckled as well. "So Lance… You think Keith's adorable, huh?"

"I- wh- you- I didn't say _that!_ "

* * *

 **A sleepy Keith is a cuddly Keith.**

 **Galra bedrooms are just that, the room in a residence that contains all the beds. Kind of like barracks, but with normal beds. They're only used for sleeping. Instead they have separate private rooms for changing, personal time, and keeping their personal affects.**


End file.
